Its pitch black. I don’t know where I am. Peering through the darkness and blurry film of alcohol inebriation, I make something out. It screams at me with neon green. The clock reads 3.12am. Where the hell am I?
I can hear someone breathing, but I can’t see anything. I try to sit up. No use. Something’s holding me down. The breathings getting closer. I try to speak…
“Hello?” My mouth feels like sandpaper and tastes like an ashtray, “Hey, who’s there? Where am I?”
No reply, but the breathing gets heavier. The pungent smell of bitter body odour and bourbon hits my senses like a knife.
“Where the fuck am I.” I whisper to myself. Something touches my knee. All of a sudden he’s on top of me, trying to kiss me.
“What the fu…..” with one hand he covers my mouth, with the other he undoes the button of my jeans. Suddenly I realize what is happening. Rape is a very sobering thing. For one brief second, my assailants face was lit up in the eerie green light of the clock. It was unknown to me; I don’t make a habit of associating myself with middle aged men.
I try to detach myself from my body. Calm forests, desert islands; try not to think of the words intercourse, coitus; rape. But detachment and deniability are an impossibility. All I can feel and smell and sense is him. I cannot escape from what is happening. He moves his hand away and tries to kiss me again. I bite down as hard as I can and feel my own sense of gratification as his blood spills. However, unlike his, my pleasure was not long lived. All I received for my efforts was a fist in the face. The punch propels me into a rage like I have never felt before- my body was unable to do anything- but my mind was free to do everything.
I saw the serene forests, and the desert islands. I saw the all the mountains and the rivers and the lakes. I saw the trees felled and burning, oil tankers opening their dump valves and smothering the beaches, bullets between the eyes of the lions, the tigers and bears. I saw the world in all its glorifying brutality and vindictiveness. In this moment I knew I hated the world. I knew that everything I had ever been told, every book Id ever read, everything I had ever seen are lies, lies, lies. God is not here, he never was. The world is nothing but an oozing festering sore, picked at and infected by the scum that walk upon this stinking earth day after day after day.
Your eyes would rot, and your tongue would dismember itself if you knew the half of it. You couldn’t peel on the chemical suits fast enough to protect yourself from the firestorms of that indignity.
A fourteen year old shouldn’t have any knowledge of these things. Never mind discover them for herself.
All I can feel is hatred towards everything, especially this… this, monster, who has taken it upon himself to eradicate the very thing that defines me as a child, as a person, as who I am. He has wrongfully taken my innocence and with it, has taken my right to find enjoyment in life. To see the beauty in all the flowers and the butterflies. To live everyday in virtue and naivety – to see the good in every stranger that passes me by.
It was all gone- gone before I even had a chance to fully realize it was there. To take and clutch close to myself; to treasure, to use as I please.
And with this thought came the chaos. And with the chaos came tears.
He tried to kiss them away as a lover would; he was anything but a lover. And as I stared up at him, anger burning bright through the green and the tears; he knew it too. Even if only for a moment, he saw what he had done; saw who he truly was.
He sits up and pushes open the door. Realizing that I still can’t move, he unties me from the makeshift binds he made with the seatbelts. The fresh air, a blessing in itself, hits me and for a moment I feel cleansed. Free of his stink and his sweat, but as I move to exit the vehicle, his presence pummels into me once more; and becomes a part of my very being.
I walked as fast as I could. I daren’t look back for fear of him changing his mind about releasing me.
How could I be so stupid? Going out dressed like this; I might as well have held up a sign displaying the words ‘fair’ and ‘game.’
I wanted to rip myself from my skin; to taste blood, to split myself wide open. This was my fault, and plus I couldn’t remember what had gone on before-hand- the past four hours or so being nothing but scattered pieces.
I sat down on the ground; at least I knew where I was. I was in the hills that surrounded my small-ass town. In different circumstances, looking down on it now would have been beautiful- almost poetic. Its views like this that write sonnets, that make even the ugliest caterpillar seem worth something.
I held my head in my hands. I couldn’t get the images, couldn’t get him out of my mind. Everything was laced with red and black, I wanted to lose control, to club baby seals, to crush the very lives of the people I was looking down on. I looked up at the stars and screamed. I clawed at my face, my arms; pulled my hair, tried to scream away his very presence from within me.
I was broken, and continued to break.